The Long-Term Effects of Shaming a Child
It's no secret that raising children comes with its fair share of challenges. We've all been there – the tantrums, the arguments, the questionable fashion choices – you name it. But here's the thing, no matter how frustrated or overwhelmed we feel, we don’t want to shame our kids.
Shaming, in all its forms, tears down trust and our child’s self-esteem. It's not just about critical comments or embarrassing stories. The impact of shame is much deeper. So, let's look at shaming, explore its effects, and learn how we can shape our children’s behavior without causing lasting emotional damage.
Shame vs. Guilt: The Crucial Difference
Let me start by saying that shame and guilt are not the same emotion. Guilt is that voice that tells us, “I did a bad thing.” It’s actually useful because it acts as a guide to help us make good decisions. Shame, on the other hand, is that feeling that tells you, "I AM bad." While both emotions can impact behavior, shame has the power to cut into a child's self-worth and leave a trail of self-doubt and insecurity.
How We Shape Our Children’s Self-Concept
Did you know that your words can shape your child's view of themselves? The image they have of themselves is formed during their earliest years, and our voice becomes their inner voice. So, if we repeatedly label our child as "bad," or "naughty," those labels become a part of who they think they are. Similarly, if we label our child as “good” or “kind” those labels become the way they see themselves. I’m not saying you can't ever correct your child or share your concerns with them, but there's a line that, if crossed, can be damaging to your child and your relationship.
Effects of Shaming a Child Has Far-Reaching Impacts
When kids are repeatedly shamed, they begin to believe there’s something wrong with them. Shame tends to be a feeling that sticks around, and it often lasts longer than we realize. Their self-esteem dips and negative self-talk enters the picture. An inner dialogue of self-criticism can become a weight dragging them down emotionally. They may isolate themselves because they feel anxious or depressed or are scared of being judged. Their isolation only deepens their shame and loneliness.
Shamed kids might also struggle to establish healthy relationships with others. They may adopt a false persona to hide their feelings of inadequacy or feel unable to express themselves authentically. They may become overly competitive and experience trouble handling failure.
Children who are shamed also run the risk of turning their internal negative feelings outward. This could look like aggression towards others or even bullying. Gaining power and control masks their own feelings of inadequacy.
The effects of shaming a child don't end with childhood though. Shame can follow kids into adulthood, leading to anxiety or depression and it can hold them back from success in several aspects of their lives. It can also wreak havoc on future jobs or relationships. When a person feels unworthy, it makes it difficult for them to trust and create genuine connections. This unhealthy cycle can lead to a series of broken relationships, all of which further fuels the effects of shame.
Understanding the Reasons for Shaming: Pause and Reflect
Using words to shame can feel effective at changing our children’s behavior in the moment, but before we resort to shaming, we need to take a breath and reflect. Are we doing it out of frustration or a desire to control? If we recognize our motivations, it makes it possible to choose healthier communication methods.
So, what is another way to guide your child's behavior without shaming? Consider making your home a shame-free environment. Try having open and honest conversations about their actions, help them identify their emotions, and encourage them to consider making different choices.
We’re all only human, though. If you find yourself getting frustrated or angry, step away from the situation and take some time to calm down. When you feel you can be on your child’s side again, that’s the time to have that conversation with them about their actions. If you can, focus on their behavior as a separate item rather than labeling your child as inherently “good” or “bad”.
If you've slipped up and shamed your child without realizing it, don't panic. Apologize sincerely, tell them what your intentions were, and begin the work of rebuilding trust again through honest communication. It's honestly good for your child to see you not be perfect. When they see us make mistakes and apologize, it makes kids feel more normal when they mess up and it gives them a roadmap for how to make amends.
Choose Connection Over Shame
The best tool you have at your disposal for influencing your kids’ behavior is your relationship. Ideally, you want to create an emotional connection that reinforces your children’s positive sense of who they are, while giving them room to learn from their mistakes. So, when your child’s behavior is off track, consider having a conversation about their choices and what they can do differently next time.
In a world full of challenges, shaming our children doesn't need to be one of them. It can have long-lasting effects on a child’s emotional well-being, mental health, and relationships. When we understand the effects of shaming a child, choosing connection-based parenting is a healthy alternative. Fostering open communication, empathy, and healthy self-concepts helps us raise a generation of kids that is resilient in the face of adversity and confident in their worth.
If you’re interested in learning more about ways to strengthen the relationships with your children without shaming, check out my parent child relationship therapy services.
