How Do I Teach My Child to Share?
Picture this: Your child’s gaze fixates on that fire engine or the purple marker, and suddenly, the entire universe shrinks down to that coveted object. Every ounce of their being is convinced that possessing the toy holds the secret to eternal happiness. Could the dump truck provide the same thrill as the fire engine? Would a purple crayon be a suitable replacement for the purple marker? No way! But as any parent who's attempted to teach their children to share knows, those moments of turn-taking can turn into a challenge you didn't quite anticipate.
In this blog, we’re going to look at the reason children often struggle with the concept of sharing and reveal a strategy that parents can include in their parenting toolkit. This strategy on how to teach a child to share can gently guide your children towards a sharing-friendly path.
Children are Naturally Generous
You might be surprised to learn that children are actually born with an innate willingness to share. From their earliest days, they pass toys back and forth, and as they become exploring toddlers, they happily share prized leaves or shells — sharing is in their nature. Kids are often thrilled when they see others enjoying what they’ve shared. So, where does this big-heartedness go?
It's Not Only About Sharing — It's About Feelings
Sometimes kids who struggle to share are actually grappling with deeper feelings. They project those emotions onto an object, like that firetruck or the purple marker. Maybe they're missing you while you're at work, or they're feeling a bit down because a new baby in the family is getting lots of attention. When a child is unwilling to share, it’s a signal that they have some pent-up emotions they need to get out. So to teach a child to share, you may need to practice more empathy.
When you emotionally connect with your child, you're giving them the reassurance that they're loved and cherished. And when they're feeling relaxed and at ease, they don't need to pour all those intense feelings into a firetruck or a marker. Intuitively, they know that the real treasure is in the connections they have with their parents.
Take a moment and think about how you feel when you’re having a rough day or are worried about something – your flexibility probably goes out the window! It’s the same with kids. What kids really need, more than the toy, is to know they’re truly seen and cared for by the people who love them. But moments of emotional connection can become limited, in our day to day lives, because most adults have too much on their plates. That’s when sharing becomes difficult for kids.
Waiting Together
One helpful strategy for sharing is to let the child with the prized toy play until they're well and truly done with it. Meanwhile, stay close to the child who is eagerly waiting for a turn. Yes, there may be some tears from the waiting child, but your warm presence and connection is what they need more than the toy. Listen to them tell you how unfair it feels, engage with them in play if they’re up for it, and take the focus off the toy. You’re a better playmate than a toy. In fact, often the child who has the toy, recognizes this, too, and wants to engage with you instead of the toy once they realize you’re ready to play.
Let Kids Share on Their Own Terms
There are several benefits to letting children share when they are ready.
First, when they’re done playing with a toy, without someone hovering over them or giving them time-restrictions, they get the pleasure of genuinely sharing and feeling generous because they truly gave from their hearts. Kids who are forced to “share” rarely get to feel true generosity.
Parents get to stop being the toy police. Monitoring how long our children have toys and managing toy exchanges sucks the joy out of playtime for all of us.
When there’s an enforced time limit on playing with a toy, the child who is currently playing with it can’t fully enjoy it. Instead of playing freely, they spend their time clutching the toy and anxiously counting down the minutes until they’re forced to give it up. It’s amazing how a toy's appeal grows when another child wants it. When the threat of it being taken away is removed, it transforms into just another fun plaything.
Special Toys
When kids have playdates and they don’t want their friends to play with specific toys, consider putting them away before the playdate. Similarly, when siblings share most of the toys in a home it can be helpful to have each of them choose a few special toys that only they get to play with. The special toys can be put in a specific spot for each child.
How to Teach a Child to Share
When children don’t share, it’s not about the toy. It’s about feelings. The key ingredient to help them is emotional connection. Waiting with kids while they let out their pent-up emotions helps them become more flexible. Permitting children to share on their own terms give them the joy of genuine generosity and relieves you from the role of toy police. With these insights and strategies, you're on your way towards sharing harmony!
If you want additional help or resources to teach your child to share, see how my parent child relationship therapy services can help you better emotionally connect with your child and guide them to being better at sharing.
